In last week’s webinar, I spoke with couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie, who provided her expert tips on one of the important but less discussed sides of infertility, intimacy.  Below, are Isiah’s 5 top tips to help you keep the intimacy alive and really enjoy the baby making.

1. Keep general intimacy and connection alive.

Remember to stay focussed on each other as partners and lovers.

Keep focussed on your long term goal of being a loving family. Why did you want to become a parent with this person? What kind of nest do you want to invite your baby into?

With busy lives and a schedule of trying to conceive, it’s easy to kind of take your partner for granted. We can become so focussed on all the ‘doing’ that although we might see our partner everyday, we get a little stuck on the functional aspects and the daily grind.

Remember to keep seducing each other.

Make an effort to show love affection and care to your partner at all times throughout your cycle. Go out of your way to do loving things for them

  • share things you appreciate about them
  • be physically affectionate
  • spend quality time together

Two important things I suggest are:

  • Daily connection time
    • even just 10-15 minutes where you talk about how your day was, sans distractions, share appreciation for each other and have some kind of physical touch.
  • Daily ‘date time’
    • this doesn’t need to be a huge affair, just time together doing something enjoyable for both of you that’s a little bit different. Just falling into a heap and watching Netflix together at the end of the day doesn’t cut it.

2. Focus on your intimacy and connection, rather than the ‘goal’ of sex

This means setting aside time to spend together – to just have fun – and celebrate your relationship.

Engage sensually and sexually without it needing to end in penetration intercourse – so that trying to conceive doesn’t become the only times you are with each other intimately.  You can include massages, sexy shower time together, a romantic bath…

3. Look at how to keep sex interesting and enjoyable or both of you.

When we’re in a long term relationship, we can fall into a routine.  Keep things varied, be wiling to try new things.  Try different places sometimes too. Maybe even romantic weekend away.

Make a bit of a ritual out of it. Light candles, start with massage, take your time.

Women’s bodies need about 15-20 minutes of foreplay in order to fully prepare for sex. You body is going to lubricate, the vaginal canal will open and the muscles that hold the uterus in place will contract. You are also more likely to orgasm.

But… there’s nothing wrong with a quickie too, if that’s what you’re in the mood for.

Being able to talk about sex is really important. Talk about what sex means to you and what you both enjoy about it.

4.  Self-care

This goes for any relationship. Take care of yourself and support yourself too. Both of you will need supports outside the relationship so you can bring your best to the relationship.

5.  And, I say this to couples ALL the time – please don’t be afraid to get help in this area.

You really don’t need to do it alone. This is a tough, challenging situation, you don’t need to make it any harder on yourself. Having an expert to talk to and support you through this can make all the difference.